I see the ball bounce into the road.
A little boy chases after it.
I have a moment to see the look on his mother's face.
She knows she won't make it in time.
I jerk the wheel and hope that I do.
I'm pulled to the right.
The car jumps the curb.
I step on the breaks.
I involuntary look down as I wonder if I remembered to buckle up.
I look up and see the tr-
Blackness.
I feel calm.
Weightless.
Then there's a tugging around my stomach.
Like on the Tilt-o-Whirl at the fair.
Feels almost like I'm getting stretched.
No pain.
A drop of oil flushing down the toilet.
I'm going down.
Faster and faster.
A bottomless pit.
Then
A dot of light.
Very far away.
Flying towards it at great speed.
They always said you'd go towards the light.
Closer.
Louder.
The sound reminds me of when I went to Niagara Falls as a kid and heard the enormous quantity of cascading water in the distance.
Getting closer.
Closer to the sound and the light.
It's deafening.
Blinding.
Vision recommencing is shocking and painful.
I soar above a red sandy landscape.
No.
Not sand.
People.
Billions
Trillions of people seen from above at an impossible height.
A writhing, angry ant hill.
It's not a waterfall I hear either.
It's screaming.
Suffering voices combined in a mind shattering drone.
Other sounds too.
Flutes, fifes, trumpets, cymbals.
A lunatic's orchestra.
Screaming in Hell's Gregorian chant.
Ever louder.
I turn my head and see that others fly with me.
Cinders strafing the horizon with meteoric tails to be added to the pile.
If I can see so many on top
how many are below?
And now I'm falling.
The ant hill is closer and closer.
All the time.
The sheer magnitude of bodies seems to slow time.
Distance seems to matter less than scale.
Yet I'm gaining.
My field of vision narrows from a million forms
to a thousand
a hundred
a dozen
a split second before impact a mindless, anguished face turns towards me.
I see its eyes are raw holes.
Drool drips from its twisted mouth.
I screa-
A jarring pull.
I'm yanked back, faster somehow than I fell.
Blinding light.
And then pain.
Terrible pain, but a different sort.
A beautiful sort.
The blue sky stares down at me.
And a man.
His face is distorted in
Agony
No.
Concern.
"Can you hear me buddy?"
He sounds far away.
"Give him some space!"
I blink hard.
I grimace.
Tastes like I have sandy grit in my mouth.
Red sand
No.
Just broken teeth.
Thank God
I would vomit if I had the strength.
"Don't worry buddy. The ambulance is coming. You're a hero, man. You swerved just in time
and missed the kid. He's safe! You did it!"
I close my eyes and lay my head back.
I can still see the ant hill.
It's very far away.
Unfathomably far.
But not far enough.
I know I will see it for the rest of my life.
Until death claims me again and I am returned.
I know what lies beyond the veil.
And now I will never sleep again.
I will never enjoy a quiet moment.
I will never know peace.
More than anything in the world
I wish I had just hit the kid.
A little boy chases after it.
I have a moment to see the look on his mother's face.
She knows she won't make it in time.
I jerk the wheel and hope that I do.
I'm pulled to the right.
The car jumps the curb.
I step on the breaks.
I involuntary look down as I wonder if I remembered to buckle up.
I look up and see the tr-
Blackness.
I feel calm.
Weightless.
Then there's a tugging around my stomach.
Like on the Tilt-o-Whirl at the fair.
Feels almost like I'm getting stretched.
No pain.
A drop of oil flushing down the toilet.
I'm going down.
Faster and faster.
A bottomless pit.
Then
A dot of light.
Very far away.
Flying towards it at great speed.
They always said you'd go towards the light.
Closer.
Louder.
The sound reminds me of when I went to Niagara Falls as a kid and heard the enormous quantity of cascading water in the distance.
Getting closer.
Closer to the sound and the light.
It's deafening.
Blinding.
Vision recommencing is shocking and painful.
I soar above a red sandy landscape.
No.
Not sand.
People.
Billions
Trillions of people seen from above at an impossible height.
A writhing, angry ant hill.
It's not a waterfall I hear either.
It's screaming.
Suffering voices combined in a mind shattering drone.
Other sounds too.
Flutes, fifes, trumpets, cymbals.
A lunatic's orchestra.
Screaming in Hell's Gregorian chant.
Ever louder.
I turn my head and see that others fly with me.
Cinders strafing the horizon with meteoric tails to be added to the pile.
If I can see so many on top
how many are below?
And now I'm falling.
The ant hill is closer and closer.
All the time.
The sheer magnitude of bodies seems to slow time.
Distance seems to matter less than scale.
Yet I'm gaining.
My field of vision narrows from a million forms
to a thousand
a hundred
a dozen
a split second before impact a mindless, anguished face turns towards me.
I see its eyes are raw holes.
Drool drips from its twisted mouth.
I screa-
A jarring pull.
I'm yanked back, faster somehow than I fell.
Blinding light.
And then pain.
Terrible pain, but a different sort.
A beautiful sort.
The blue sky stares down at me.
And a man.
His face is distorted in
Agony
No.
Concern.
"Can you hear me buddy?"
He sounds far away.
"Give him some space!"
I blink hard.
I grimace.
Tastes like I have sandy grit in my mouth.
Red sand
No.
Just broken teeth.
Thank God
I would vomit if I had the strength.
"Don't worry buddy. The ambulance is coming. You're a hero, man. You swerved just in time
and missed the kid. He's safe! You did it!"
I close my eyes and lay my head back.
I can still see the ant hill.
It's very far away.
Unfathomably far.
But not far enough.
I know I will see it for the rest of my life.
Until death claims me again and I am returned.
I know what lies beyond the veil.
And now I will never sleep again.
I will never enjoy a quiet moment.
I will never know peace.
More than anything in the world
I wish I had just hit the kid.